The Pocky Monster
by Nocturniquette
Summary: The REAL reason Itachi slaughtered the clan. "They didn't buy me pocky, Sasuke." Complete and utter CRACK! Teasing of pairings of SasuNaru, ItaSasu, and ItaKisa. Overuse of the f-word. Not to be taken seriously.


Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. If I did, Itachi wouldn't have died.

Author's Note: Wow…it's been a while since I last uploaded a complete story….anyway; I hope you guys enjoy it!!

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"Why?! Why did you kill Mother and Father!?" 15 year old Uchiha Sasuke yelled at his brother.

Uchiha Itachi's face was as expressive as always, except for the fact that he was calmly sucking on a chocolate mousse pocky stick.

"Well!?" Sasuke yelled.

Itachi bit the tip of his pocky stick off, and began chewing slowly.

"They didn't buy me pocky, Sasuke."

Sasuke's mouth dropped open. That was it? The _**grand **_secret behind the Massacre?

Sasuke had the rational urge to beat his face against the nearest tree.

Just then, Itachi did something he rarely ever done before. He elaborated.

"They never bought me anything sweet. No dango. No candy. No pocky. Always vegetables. Always vegetables."

Sasuke felt fury rise within him. He charged toward his brother, who uncharacteristically shouted.

"Wait! I haven't got to the good part!" Sasuke faltered. "The good part! There's a good part to all this!?"

Itachi shrugged. "I didn't kill you, did I?" Sasuke screamed in fury and charged again.

Itachi put his hands up in the universal act of "please don't hurt me" stance.

"I haven't told you the rest of the story _**yet**_!"

Sasuke reluctantly paused in his attack again.

"Now, as I was saying before I was so _**rudely**_ interrupted," Here, Itachi gave his younger sibling a death glare. "Fugaku refused to buy me sweets. I hated him for it. Kisame, however, he bought me all the sweets I wanted."

Hearts appeared in his onyx eyes as said shark man appeared out of nowhere.

Sasuke threw up in his mouth a little.

"I accidentally found pocky in a grocery store when kaa-san and I were shopping. I ninja'd a box and tried some. Heaven. Pure heaven."

Itachi's eyes closed in blissful memory.

Kisame grabbed a pocky stick out of the box, only to have his hand slapped by Itachi.

He wisely put it back.

"The next time we went shopping, I asked if I could have some. They said no. They _**denied**_ me _**my**_ pocky. _**Pocky**_!! I was understandably pissed."

Sasuke really could not understand…the bizarre…situation he found himself in.

"You annihilated our _**entire**_ clan, because our parents refused to buy you pocky?" he deadpanned.

"No, I annihilated our clan because everyone agreed with Fugaku that pocky was the devil."

Itachi stuck another piece of pocky in his mouth.

That tree was looking awfully therapeutic to Sasuke at the moment.

He blinked and tensed when Itachi suddenly appeared before him.

Itachi held his hand out, and Sasuke saw a stick of chocolate mousse pocky in his palm.

Sasuke debated with himself for a minute. To take, or not to take. That was the question.

Shrugging, Sasuke accepted the pocky.

Both Uchiha's ignored Kisame's sobbing in the background. Why wasn't he getting a piece? He paid for the stuff!

Putting it into his mouth, Sasuke nearly moaned aloud. Itachi was right. It _**was**_ a biscuit stick of pure heaven!

He came back to himself by his brother's voice.

"Good isn't it?" Sasuke nodded wordlessly.

"Mom and Dad wouldn't buy this good stuff for you? Bastards."

"I quite agree." Itachi said.

Sasuke reached into the pocky box, and pulled out another stick.

In the background, Kisame's sobbing grew louder.

"Kisame, come here." Itachi ordered.

The shark man complied. Maybe he would finally get a piece of that delicious perfection!

Itachi gave him a wad of cash. "Buy me more pocky."

Overly large tears formed in Kisame's eyes.

"Don't give me the baby shark face. Go buy me pocky _**now, **_or no sex." Itachi threatened.

Kisame immediately disappeared.

Sasuke really didn't need to know that about his brother. And told him as such.

Itachi shrugged nonchalantly.

"He does this thing with his tongue and---"

"I don't need to know this!"

Itachi pouted. "Just furthering your sexual education otouto."

Sasuke's eyes bugged out of his head.

"I don't need _**help**_ furthering my sexual education!"

One of Itachi's eyebrows rose up.

Sasuke found he hated that expression.

"You and Naruto-kun haven't consummated your relationship yet, have you?"

Sasuke's mouth dropped open for a second time.

"Me and Naruto!?" Then he said, "Have sex!?"

Itachi hummed in reply.

Sasuke made a rude gesture, and Itachi's eyebrow rose up higher.

"You want me to fuck you?"

Sasuke sputtered.

"No!"

"Then why did you ask me to?"

"I didn't ask you to!"

"That gesture you just did _**proves**_ to me that you do _**otouto**_."

"That gesture stands for "fuck you" not "fuck me!"" Sasuke yelled.

This time, _**both**_ of Itachi's rose up, disappearing under his bangs.

"So…you want to fuck me instead?" Itachi asked, honestly confused.

Sasuke exploded.

"_**NO**_! I don't want you to fuck me, nor do I want to fuck you!!"

Kisame appeared just in time to hear the tail-end of Sasuke's outburst.

"Who's fucking who?" he asked.

Sasuke screamed.

"I honestly don't know. He asked me to fuck him, then changes his mind and wants to fuck me instead, but he changes his words _**again**_ and says nobodies fucking anyone!" Itachi ranted.

Kisame blinked.

"I don't get it."

"Neither do I."

Kisame handed Itachi his demand—_**requested**_ pocky.

Itachi smiled warmly, and kissed the blue-skinned male on the lips.

Sasuke rolled his eyes. He wasn't jealous. Nope.

Itachi was still smiling when he pulled away from his lover.

"Do you want to come with us?" He offered uncharacteristically.

Sasuke blinked.

"All you can eat pocky." "…Okay."

Itachi continued to grin, this one was smug though.

Despite Fugaku and Mikoto's influence, he had created another pocky monster.

Together, they walked off into the sunset, arguing over who was fucking who.

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In the bushes a few feet away, was one Uzumaki Naruto.

"Uchihacest!" he shouted, and ran off after them.

No one knew that Naruto was a closet pervert for brother sex….especially his two stunned teammates he left behind.

THE END


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